Dear Friends,
Have you ever noticed what people long for in this world? It is interesting. Have you ever read any chain letters? I remember growing up when we first got e-mail and getting letters about how if we don’t send it to everyone in our contact list, Bloody Mary was going to come and kill you, or if you send it to 10 friends your true love will reveal themselves at midnight tonight, but if you don’t you will have 10 years of bad luck… THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH… Kidding.
Have you ever noticed that before? Have you ever noticed how we want to believe something, ESP the last one! I am know a lot of it has to do with the fact that we can experience the truth of this instantly. I remember testing it out. I sent it to 10 friends, and let me tell you, my true love never revealed themselves to me (I even stayed up until midnight in several time zones just in case!)
You see, that is just how we are. We long for so many things in life. I remember some chain letters talking about how we will have the most friends if we send it on. The reason I remember it, is because it is one that I received a lot from my friends. If it was not that one, it was the one about how if I deny God by not sending this letter, then Jesus will deny me before our Heavenly Father…
What is it that we buy into? How about friendship? What do we believe is and must be true inside a friendship?
Did you know that you can’t have a successful marriage if you are not even friends?
Much Love,
Casey S. Hayden
You get the gist by now- I am explaining it-
Women- I hesitate talking to you about friendships. Partially because I just have no clue how they work. Literally, I have tried these past few months to analyze them and attempt to understand them… I have gotten nowhere. There is such a deep connection between them. Even if you have deep feelings of disgust, you still are somehow connected. You know exactly how they operate, even when you say you don’t have a clue as to why someone did what they did. The weirdest thing is that even without talking to your friend, you know exactly what they need.
I say I don’t get it not because I think it is silly, I say it because that is all I have experienced. I am going to be real open right now. I am going to show you something that I LOVE my mom for, but MAN am I just downright embrassed to say it, because inside of me it makes me feel weak, EVEN THOUGH, I know I am not weak because of this. My mom is a SAINT. She knows exactly what I need EVEN if I am calling her on the phone. I don’t get it. All I have to say is “Mom, I am sick.” And I don’t even have to tell her what my symptoms are. Or take this for example, I was home over Christmas break 09’ and I had an infection in my tailbone. My mom did not pamper me, but she cared for me. I am convinced that helped with my process of healing. Not to mention the endless amounts of Ginger Ale (seriously, she never had my bottle empty!). But what is amazing is, that is not the only example of my mom that is just amazing. My mom knits or sews (sorry I should know this) Prayer Shawls. They are these huge shawls that people who are going through rough times (cancer, illness, financial crisis, family troubles, addictions, ETC). This is how amazing she is, she gets all the yarn, and as she knits/sews, she is praying. She is praying prayers of love for these people, some of them she does not even know! She then sends them to small groups, and pastoral staff and family members to pray over the shawl. Then once the person or persons receive it, they are receiving a shawl that will wrap them with warmth physically and spiritually. She also sends cards to people who are grieving. I get too nervous to read them because they are so powerful. People love those comforting words she can write. I LOVE that about my mother. She is so powerful in that way! She knows exactly what people need, and exactly how to give just that. I love hearing stories about how my mother has effected peoples lives. I remember someone asking me if my mom would ever come back to the Minnesota area, they just loved my mom so much, and really enjoyed her warmth she had to offer and how they could find comfort in her words. THAT IS LOVE right there. My mom befriended the most random people, but MAN did she impact their lives in ways I will never understand.
And that is just ok with me. I don’t need to understand how friendships among women work. I don’t need to try and figure out WHY my mom does things out of the out pour of her heart. I don’t need to try to understand WHY. But I do have a few challenges, and they may sound a little harsh, but just follow me:
1) Friends are great, they are great to release all this information onto. They are great for you because that is how you operate. However relying on your friends during a relationship may not be the healthiest thing. I have seen so many relationships ruined because you relied on your friend more than on Christ together with the person you are with. Friends are not in the relationship, they are only spectators and I VERY much believe they should be involved, but they should not be your source of decision making skills. Friendships in the relationship are so important but do not rely on them.
2) Stop holding on to your long lost love. I have seen so many future relationships ruined because you can’t let go of your past relationship. In a majority of those cases, you recognized moments of pure joy, and you are trying to capture them again. Moments when it was just right. And you just can’t let that go. I get that. I applaud you because this all means something to you, and that you can hold onto that feeling for SO long. Move on though. Even if you end up back in a relationship with them, you do not want it to be based off of old feelings, but instead, based on the truth of where you both are now, as individuals and a couple in Christ. You see when you base a relationship off of what is was in the past, then that is what it will be in the future. If you don’t move on from that, then you will never be able to have a new relationship. Forgiveness and reconciliation are so important. I beg you to stop holding on to a notion that your Past One True Love will sweep you off your feet, because I know you are missing the true one who wants to actually sweep you off your feet. You are missing the one who won’t leave you but will work it out with you. I understand why you are holding on to it. The feelings are always overwhelming, but I promise you, if you let go, God will lead you through life showing you all the types of people who have much more promise than the one you are holding on to. It would be much better to let go, and have them work together with you back into a relationship then it would be for you to lie to yourself about them having to work hard to get you back and then they have you in 2 conversations. Just stop. We see through that. Move on, because you are worth someone who cares about you and is willing to fight for you. Don't wait for long lost lover. Move on, and let all relationships be new. I know this is hard.
3) Keep being the best friend you can be, but don’t overpower. One thing I LOVE about my mom, is she was never overpowering. She was just right. She involved herself to the healthiest amount. I admire her for that. She understands that she can’t fight the battle for other people EVEN if she wanted to. She could essentially only sit with them in a storm. And trust me, my mom sat in her fair share of storms with people and by herself. Think of this challenge like this- Listen to this song- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PP4F3G8L41Y and then utilize this in friendships and romantic relationships.
Men- This will not be that long winded. One thing I do want to touch on is the fact that we often have to ask what is going on in the lives of our friends. We have to be willing to jump into this.
So, I have 1 challenge for you. It is simple and straight to the point. (You get off the hook this time):
1) Start being a real man, and start caring about the men in your life. Know what is going on in your friends life. Most of you might say to me that your friendship is not based off of this, and that you operate different then everyone else. Welp. I am going to pull the malarkey card and say we NEED to release stuff that is going on inside of us because we simply just can’t operate until we have someone we can go to. If you are in a relationship, I beg you to be honest with her, but also have a friend that you can go to and share, and they can share and be open with you about life. I know it sounds cowardly, but you will be more of a man that men like if they can trust you with anything.
Both- This section is simple. Start making a difference. In the very beginning I was telling you about these chain letters. I realized why I thought they were important. I thought that way because people would send them to me. They took the time to send them to me. They gave me worth. How true is that in all areas of life. I only value my close friends because they give me worth. They like me, so I like them. Makes sense right? I want to talk straight to some of my friends who are recently out of rehab, and who are recently trying to stop whatever they are addicted to. I will not use their name, but I want to use the phrases they have told me recently. “Once I stopped drinking, I stopped getting phone calls to hang out with them.””Once I stopped smoking pot, everyone thought I was going to cave in, and they just doubted me””Once I stopped drinking, smoking and sleeping around, not only did I feel the guilt and shame of it all, but I had no one to process with me through it because all of my friends where doin that stuff.”…. I think you get the picture. I praise the Lord everyday for these people being my friends. They are true blessings to me. God has worked through them to show me His true grace and the depth of His Love! I can promise you though, they had months (some had years) of little to no friendships. They went through some of the deepest of darkness before they began to see a shed of light, and for some of them, that light came MONTHS after they crossed the line of Faith. So, this is where you and I come in. When people are trying to stop doing drugs, or drinking so much or just simply trying to get out of an abusive friend group, what are you going to do? Are you going to help? Are you going to tear down this wall of judgment that says- they are druggies or whores or alcoholics or potheads- and begin to be a part of their lives?
1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. (1 Cor 13:1-3)
I am not sure how many of you know how prevalent suicide is. People commit suicide typically at a place of complete and utter hopelessness. Last school year, there were 4 suicides at the University of North Dakota, there were 3 suicides in Woodbury/Cottage Grove cities in a matter of 5 months. 7 Suicides in less than one year in the communities I am in. This does not even began to touch the suicides in the twin city area, or even begin to look at the amount of suicide attempts. We must do something about this. We can’t sit here any longer and allow this to happen. My heart is breaking just writing this, because 1 attempt to end a life is 1 attempt too many and one step too close to suicide. This is not the time to be pointing fingers, this is the time to be finding purpose. This is the time to be giving out worth to every person. We are wired as humans to desire human contact and connection through relationships. We are wired (I now believe 100% of us) for marriage. That is just who we are. We need to battle this right now. If you know someone who is struggling with suicide, don’t hold that in. Don’t try to keep them alive on your own. If you know someone who is addicted to any substance, don’t let them try to stop on their own. If you know someone who is self-mutilating, and can’t handle life, give them control back in any way and don’t let them be in it alone. If you know someone who is struggling with an eating disorder, don’t hold that in, get them the help they need. Now is not a time to just sit back and relax. Our world is in DIRE need of Love. People are finding purpose in their addiction. People are feeling like an obligation in suicide. People are seeing false self images. People are feeling out of control. Now is your chance. Now is your chance to be a part of peoples lives by loving them with a driven purpose. Don’t be afraid to get them the help they need. Don’t be afraid to listen to everything they are going through. Don’t be afraid to call them to hang out with you. If you want more information, please let me know. There is always hope. I am not tyring to make this sound simple, infact it is the opposite. What I am asking you to do though is to get out there. It is not your fault if someone takes their life, or if someone is addicted or if someone is depriving themselves of food. That is not for you to take the blame. I am asking you though, that if you know this is going on, to not be afriad to listen and get them the help they need. I am not asking you to take on the world alone. I am asking you to seek Christ, and because of that, you seek out His creation who are sitting in the darkness believing there is no hope. There is always help. There is always Hope. Every person has a purpose. Start to seek that with them.
My dad said it best, to me once “If you strip everything away you realize that all that matters are relationships, with people and with God.”
Much Love,
Casey Hayden
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