Why We Stay

It is 8:30 on a Thursday night, I am listening as a close friend of my is on the other side of the phone, in tears, wondering what they did wrong, how he could have done better, maybe if he looked better, or were more romantic or had more money, she wouldn't have left him. He stayed chasing her, begging to be taken back. He kept asking how he could fix himself to meet her needs. He called that love. But how could I blame him?

It is 6:30 on a Saturday morning, I am grabbing coffee with two friends as one begins to break down letting us know her then boyfriend is beating her. She told us all the same lines "It was probably my fault" and "He loves me, and doesn't want to do this" and "If I just become better looking and listen" at which we had stopped her from talking. Shocked that she could believe such lies. But how could I blame her?

It is 1:38 on a Tuesday afternoon, I am getting ready to fly home. I receive a text saying he can't stand being like this anymore. A pal of mine hated his job, hated his living situation, hated what he was getting into and personally hated himself. However, nothing is being done about this. He can't see any opportunity past his circumstances. But how could I blame him?

Why is this?

Because not one of us, and I mean zero persons, likes to leave what they know. We all fear beyond our situation. This fear immobilizes us. It makes us stuck. The idea of my friend leaving his girlfriend seems like a harsh concept. He would rather stay, change everything about himself than to be left alone.

If my dear friend would have just left him.

If my friend would just take a chance....

But they can't. They can't because it is difficult to invite someone beyond what they

So, we stay. We always stay. It is easier. We don't want to. We know the abuse is wrong, the neglect is draining and the lack of creativity is numbing, but we seem to want to stay. We assume the worst will happen to us, rather than realizing we can actually have what is better for us. We can have the girlfriend that cares about us, or the boyfriend who holds us, or the job that ignites a passion inside of us. But that requires us to move forward. We hate that. We fear it.

I mean, I literally have a friend who lives with her ex-husband because she is fearful of life without him. She would rather stay, endure the crap, than move on. Many of us would look at her with severe judgement, would push her to "let go" and "move on" with her life and her daughters. But how can she? What can she do? Are you going to take her in? We offer simple solutions, with very unrealistic applicable actions.

We stay mainly because we don't know what to do.

I remember listening to a lady share her story about finally ending her relationship with her then husband. She kept saying how for over 15 years she went back to him, kids and all, because even though she would be choke slammed or held at gunpoint, she at least felt welcomed to that. She felt secure in knowing what each day was going to be like; abusive, painful and draining. She said, the moment she felt the most free was the moment when someone said, "It doesn't have to be like this" and then proceeded to never give up on her for 8 years. She had lied to the cops about the abuse, lied to the friend, ignored her children until her oldest son was 15. She watch her husband humiliate their son. She did nothing. A few days later, called the friend, to which the friend simply said "I am going to stop you right there, because I could never imagine your pain, but I know deep down in your being you know this is not how you want your life to end. I don't know the end, but I surely know it doesn't have to be like this." Her friend stayed with her the whole time, not judging her because she took fifteen years to leave, not judging her for her willingness to stay, but simply offering a way out, a few phone calls to the police and her presence.

To many, fifteen years is too many. But how many of us can relate to these stories? How many of us stick it out in something we shouldn't? How many of us stay until it is unhealthy? I would argue, nearly all, if not all, of us have.

I don't think this problem is because we don't know there are other options, it is that we are so disconnected we are incapable of seeing beyond what is around us. We are absorbed by our circumstances. We become scared of Hope.

I can't offer you a way out. I can't offer you an adventure. I can't save you from this. My prayer is that you see there is a way out, you can have adventure, & what we find in Christ gives us a saving freedom. You have to discover this.

I don't know how you all operate, but I know for me, persistent presence, vulnerability, honesty, with-holding judgement and being open, reaches me. It helps me see beyond my circumstances. It helps me realize, I don't have to stay here, even if I am scared beyond belief for what could be next. I thank those people for that!

I want you to leave your unhealthy relationship, I want you to leave your unhealthy job, I want you to have good things. But my wants aren't enough. Your wants aren't enough. You have to discover that life is more free than you realize. That you don't have to abide by the normal rules socially constructed to hold you down. That you don't have to marry a model or a project, you can actually marry an adventurer, different from the rules we find.

But none if this will make sense if you are not confident in who you are. If you are not confident what your value is. If you are not confident you have purpose. If you allow others to determine all of this. Because of this, we stay. We sell ourselves short, even if it is a lie. That fear keeps us there. Welp, fear is a liar.

You don't need me to tell you that, you can discover that. Inside you is a well, what you fill that well with is your life, the nice thing is, at any point, you can fill that well with the life you need and deserve. Don't stay in the destructive aspects of your life. And if you do, be open to the people who can help you move. I get why you stay, but know, just know, "it doesn't have to be like this"