The perspective of a single millenial on Marriage

One of the articles being passed around right now is the article "Marriage isn't for you." Essentially the article points that Marriage isn't for you if you are in it for yourself. Obviously it is more detailed, but however it still hits the point of the article.

Christians wasted no time responding to the article. Most of them mainly criticized the posts claims that marriage is about the other person. The common consensus is that they believe that marriage is about "Jesus" as the center.... They kept saying that marriage isn't about you or her, but about Christ... I wish I could add more to the articles, but sadly that is what was just repeated over and over again.... with a couple verses. The weird part is, the article they are arguing against as not biblical, actually is more biblical than they led us to believe. I mean, there are a lot of verses that say to put others before yourself. However, it was not said the way christians often like, thus responses ensued. Some of it was even bitter and rude.

The truth is, I don't know what it means when people say Marriage isn't about you it is about Jesus. All of these blogs failed to bring in some sort of picture of what it fully means. It makes me feel like marriage isn't for anyone. Don't get me wrong, I believe a relationship founded in the Gospel means something. However, I don't think it means what these articles presented. I can say marriage is for the other person, or that Marriage is about Jesus all I want, but to be honest, I think both sides present a very shallow argument. I don't get this talk about "Marriage is about Jesus" because there is nothing practical, applicable or anything else to just grab onto. I find it to just fall in the area of "Super Christian-y sayings."

I am a single male. I am not walking around looking to get married, but I would enjoy getting married one day. These articles however give me a complex. They point to this idea that marriage has to be perfect, or that one party has to be miserable, or that both of you have to work towards this idea that has no depth, or marriage is about some concept we will never be able to reach. This gives me anxiety, it makes me not want to even look for a companion.

So to all my single friends who read these articles and have romantic feelings after.... Stop. We deserve better, this article I know is not the answer to that picture of what is better. I don't believe these articles tell the truth though. They share this romantic idea about what white suburban middle class marriage is like. But, I could talk until I am blue in the face about what I don't like, so instead, I am going to make three (ish) points to us singles that have been helping me process through this area of my life.

1) Marry your friend- I can't imagine marrying someone and then discovering who they are after the novelty of the wedding fades. I have plenty of friends my age, whom are good friends, who are now divorced because they spent so much time in the honeymoon phase of a getting to know someone (flirty feelings), that when push came to shove, they never really knew the person they were marrying.... I am not saying you have to know everything about the person you are going to marry, but I am confident that you will not find someone who wants to be with you more than a friend who has dealt with your good and bad already. We often don't realize how good our friends are for us because we are too preoccupied trying to find the feet sweeper off'er that we don't realize that the best person for us is right next to us to begin with. The problem is, we crave security and safety but find that to be boring because we have a misguided understanding of safety and security. We think it lacks this adventure when in reality is challenges us to be adventurers. This is often why we don't choose our friends, we are afraid of allowing it to happen, thus making us run into the arms of people who flatter us. Flattery ends, true friendships don't. Being with someone who is already fighting for you as a friend will make a great companion. Ask any counselor or psychologist; we work well with people who fight for and have faith in us. That is what friends do. (PS I don't think there is a time period for this friendship, it can be a month or 15 years)

2) Don't rush- We have an entire life to discover who we go with well. Too often we become impatient, and spend our entire life trying to discover who it is we are going to marry. The worst part is, we miss out on life. We miss out on experiences. We miss out on the adventure. We lose sight of who we are. It is tragic because we so often believe there is something wrong with us because we aren't married at the age of 24. We somehow have been led to believe that we have something wrong with us if we aren't married yet. Trust me, rushing it is a bad thing. I can't tell you how many relationships end because they just went fast and missed learning how to be friends and how to set the relationship up for success. You have nothing to lose by moving at a pace that sets a relationship up for success. And by setting up I mean learning who is this person and how you can care about them. It does not mean doing what society expects of you, it means focusing on learning about each other. You have time. Don't rush. Enjoy your time.

3) Relationships are about each other- You deserve to be loved. We all do. Don't waste your time with non-reciprocal relationships. You will not fix it. With that being said, it is ok to care about yourself. It is not wrong to love yourself. That is a healthy thing. If you hate yourself, how can you even say you love someone else. You will become wrapped up in them to the point where everything about who you are is tied up in their being. That is unhealthy. I firmly believe that when Jesus says "Love the Lord with all your heart and Love your neighbor as yourself..." are the two most important commandments, Jesus is actually giving three. Jesus knew that it would be impossible for you to Love the Lord and Love your neighbor if you hated yourself. Jesus knew that if you resent everything about yourself, you would be in no position to love that which was involved in your creation and that which was your neighbor. Which leads me to my main point. You deserve to be with someone who is willing to reciprocate that love, willing to sacrifice, willing to be with you through the rough times and the remarkable times and all the moments between the two. Having someone who supports your dreams and helps lay the foundation with you, as you reciprocate that to them, is showing that you are both following what the Lord created in you. In that way, I fully believe that the relationship then is about Jesus and how He leads us. He knows our passions, and following that seems to me to be the only way I could make the relationship about Christ; by being who God created us to be and responding to the world the way Jesus would, together. Making it about the other is how a relationship grows.

3.5) I am not traditional. When I say relationships are about each other, I mean they are about the fact that the person you are with should be your equal, not your servant. I am not traditional. I won't expect any woman to be anything less than what she is and can be. I am fine if a woman asks a guy out on a date. I am fine if the woman makes more money than the male. I am fine if the woman takes leadership. Because if I am being honest, I sometimes don't think or know how to do some of these things. I find a woman who will allow me to compliment her weaknesses as she compliments mine, with strengths, to be a very humbling need in my life, and I assume others.

Secret side extra point- Spend time casting a vision for your life, and move towards it as an individual. Don't be afraid of what  you are passionate about. I always tell people when I meet with them that the best way to meet someone is when you as an individual and they as an individual are moving forward and experiencing life. When you start running towards your passions, and they start running towards theirs, and  you meet, I am convinced you will gain a far better appreciation for them because they have a foundation and you have a foundation, thus leaving you incapable of resenting a person because they held you back from your passions. If you are both finding satisfaction in where you are passionate, gaining a companion can only make that better and often sustainable. (PS I am not saying you have to have the same passions.)

I am not an expert, I could be way off, I have no clue if I am being too optimistic or too shallow. I have so much to learn. But what I do know is that when the time comes, I pray that I am lucky enough to be in a relationship that allows us to learn, sacrifice, compliment, and grow together in this adventure we call life.

The blogs I am talking about:

Aritcle 1-http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/ The rest are responses to this article:

Article 2- http://theeverlastingfallout.com/marriage-isnt-for-you-its-for-jesus/

Article 3- http://triathletewithacollar.wordpress.com/2013/11/03/a-response-to-marriage-isnt-for-you/

Article 4- http://lucybascom.wordpress.com/2013/11/07/my-response-to-marriage-isnt-for-you/

Why I am moving toward non-violence Part 3 (Final)

I fail at being non-violent. I often still want to respond with violence. It takes all of my energy not to want to beat the living tar out of someone who I witness being a bully or involve themselves in any sort of injustice. Oppression makes me sick.

I fail at this. You see, I often want to use violence as a defense. I want to defend people who are being attacked. We almost hollywoodize violence. Some of us think "If I just kick the crap out of this person, I can show this person how much they suck." We believe that getting even in a violent way is capable of justification. No.

This is a huge lie. In fact it was a lie Jesus even confronted in the Garden when Peter cut the ear off of the Roman Soldier. I mean, when Jesus says "No more of this" in response to the ear chopping, one can clearly conclude Jesus is not about violence. This leaves us with the question of why. Why is Jesus not pro-violence. I mean, it would be super easy for me to walk into a brothel, kill everyone of those persons involved, and walk out with those girls. In fact, it is something I often think about. And I know exactly where this comes from.

This comes from the Jesus I have created in my mind. I know Jesus cares about the bullied, the oppressed, the trafficked, the sick injustice that is hidden in the dark. I know Jesus wants me to take on the case of the widow and the orphans; for some reason though I believe the best way to do this is to create this war path that shows how right I am and how wrong the oppressors are. I seem to have a very shallow view of scripture.

If you believe today that the Bible is inerrant, that this Holy Text is from God, then you can not, under any circumstances believe that parts of it are applicable and parts of it are not. You can't take the parts you enjoy, because this turns Jesus into our image rather than us into God's. When we do that, everything becomes permissible. This is how christian's justified the crusades, justified the intense corruption of the early church, and currently we justify our inaction. We justify our inaction against oppression in our world. We justify this by saying, it is not our calling. We allow for violence to continue because we don't want those difficult parts of the Bible to mean what they actually mean.

We become sadly a culture focused on managing our sin rather than a culture focused on recognizing that we are free (Galatians 5:1) and a person who is capable of changing the world! It is like a Pastor once told me "if you want to encounter Jesus, you can't do so through studying Christ, you have to believe what was taught and go where Jesus would be, with the hungry, the naked, the sick, the thirsty, the imprisoned." It is remarkable to me, that non of the way Jesus calls us to minister to the world involves a weapon or a fist. In fact, nearly every story of Jesus working with the poor and sick involved compassion, not Jesus attacking someone to make it right.

Oddly enough, as if I don't respond in an unhealthy way as it is, God calls us to love our enemies. How am I suppose to tell the oppressors of this world that God loves them? That God still finds worth and value in them even though I think they are slobs.... I find it beyond reprehensible that a man could rape a child, even worse that we allow this to happen, but that a man could do that is beyond repugnant. In my mind that man deserves to be put to death. Some how, God thinks different. God is not justifying their actions, but God still sees redeemable qualities in those persons. Even as I write this, I am screaming inside.

I realize why this is true. Those people all have stories. God is not asking us to not to provide consequences for the actions, but God is asking us to learn to forgive, come along side the victims and the oppressors to create an order of peace, one that points to forgiveness and hope. God does not find these actions right, but as it says in Romans "Everything is permissible but not beneficial."

So, about those stories. We don't often hear the oppressors stories, what drove them to this point. The reason why, because no one wants to see why a person got to this point. I mean, have you heard some of these people talk about why they are the way they are? Life is this vicious cycle of oppression and violence. I mean, I was listening as a prostitute was explaining why she was in the business because her uncle use to rape her and threaten to kill her if she told anyone. She later finds out that he was beaten as a child and raped by his uncle. Violence creates this vicious cycle and sadly has lasting affects; but our oppressors are often victims. They are victims of a tragic fallen and broken world that is in constant need of Hope, sadly we just place it in everything else but that which is enduring and never ending; Christ.

Our oppressors have stories, tragic stories in many cases that cause them to live like this. God sees that, and God did not just die on the cross for the BMW driving christian who tries hard to manage their own sin. Christ died for our oppressors, and knows their stories aren't over even though their actions are deplorable in the eyes of God.

To bring it back full circle, I don't condone violence, and I can't imagine it will be easy to practice this. I however don't believe I am fully following Christ unless I begin to realize that God is calling me to a life of being a peacemaker. There is no way peace involves violence. Or I at least find it implausible.

I have a lot of work to do. I am SO far from applying this view. It is difficult, but I can't seem to interpret the Bible differently.

Why I am moving toward non-violence Part 2, The Death Penalty

I am slowly moving closer and closer to non-violence as a way of life. Responding to our personal situations in life in a violent manner is not healthy, but oddly acceptable. Think of all the videos on youtube praising kids for beating up their bullies, or praising parents who defend their child's honor by taking revenge, or worse the videos praising the death of a human being. 

This response is not biblical. I listened as a mother was weeping saying, "Even though I know my son's actions were deplorable, I still love him, and want to see redemption." We aren't a very forgiving society though.

There are literally countless verses from Romans alone pointing to a non-violent stance, in all circumstances. How many times did Jesus rebuke the notion of violence? Turn the other cheek? I mean, even when involved in a violent situation, Jesus told Peter to put his sword away after cutting off Malchus's ear, the High Priest's slave, and exclaims "No More of this." (Luke 22) 

The problem is, what to do with the murderers, rapists, terrorist, aggressors, bullies and all those who bring out the violence in us all. 

It is easy to believe that what we need to have happen to them all is to return the favor. An eye for an eye. They murder someone, we murder them back. They rape someone, they get beat. They kill masses, we kill them. Our response is often return the favor. I mean, can we honestly justify putting someone to death? Especially if there is a chance of innocence and or redemption? I mean, if we are realistic, 18 people have been exonerated in the US because evidence proved them innocent. (I know, I can go on and on and on about how I am against the death penalty, but that is a separate post)

Don't get me wrong, what I am about to say may seem like I am for inaction thus leaving you to conclude I condone evil. In fact the opposite is true. While there are many verses that lead us to stances of non-violence, there are more verses that demand our exhaustive action against evil; to be prepared to fight against injustice. I just happen to interpret scripture to point out that our action requires us to be non-violently just. 

With that being said, I need to make it clear that I am against war, the death penalty, weapons that can only bring destruction, beating the crap out of someone and genocide. Oppressing our oppressors teach them nothing though. I mean, we are literally teaching our youth with the death penalty that if someone murders another person, we have the right to murder them back. These are christian leaders telling people this is ok, and in some circumstances "God's will!" What a tragedy. What is worse is that we cut short the redemptive story of God in their life. Do we not believe when Peter exclaims that "God is not willing that anyone of us shall perish...." ?

Now, I know many of you may ask what to do about Osama Bin Laden or Hitler. It is difficult for me to celebrate the death of any human, but our action sometimes requires us to do things that aren't the right thing, but sometimes the best thing. For example, Dietrich Bonhoeffer knew that killing Hitler was the best option before him, but knowing full well there was no Good option at all. He knew that the greater problem was the genocide happening right before him. I regretfully would agree with Bonhoeffer. 

When I talk about non-violence, these areas are often the focus. We are so focused on righting wrongs in this world that we will do so at any temporary cost. What we don't want to ask is, why are the wicked doing what is wicked? Why are they the way they are? 

Listen, there is a deep, dark, oppressive evil in this world. No one is denying that. It hides a lot: 30,000,000 slaves, 5,000,000 child prostitutes, domestic abuse, mass shootings, drug dealing, bullying genocides and so much more. The problem is, we know that this is happening, but we are quicker to anger than action. And often our anger leads us to want violent responses. Those responses are unhealthy and are driven by appropriate emotions but often to false actions. These assume we have the total picture. Listen, if there is one thing I am sure of, we give the evil in our world too much power. I am confident that in the following verses from Job, after many arguments thus far with God, Job asks great questions to which the answers are powerful.

I am safe ending with these sets of verses (PS, I don't think this imagery leads to violence, I think it leads us to recognize that evil and wickedness are powerless.):

Job 24 (NLT)

Job Asks Why the Wicked Are Not Punished

24 “Why doesn’t the Almighty bring the wicked to judgment?
    Why must the godly wait for him in vain?
2 Evil people steal land by moving the boundary markers.
    They steal livestock and put them in their own pastures.
3 They take the orphan’s donkey
    and demand the widow’s ox as security for a loan.
4 The poor are pushed off the path;
    the needy must hide together for safety.
5 Like wild donkeys in the wilderness,
    the poor must spend all their time looking for food,
    searching even in the desert for food for their children.
6 They harvest a field they do not own,
    and they glean in the vineyards of the wicked.
7 All night they lie naked in the cold,
    without clothing or covering.
8 They are soaked by mountain showers,
    and they huddle against the rocks for want of a home.

9 “The wicked snatch a widow’s child from her breast,
    taking the baby as security for a loan.
10 The poor must go about naked, without any clothing.
    They harvest food for others while they themselves are starving.
11 They press out olive oil without being allowed to taste it,
    and they tread in the winepress as they suffer from thirst.
12 The groans of the dying rise from the city,
    and the wounded cry for help,
    yet God ignores their moaning.

13 “Wicked people rebel against the light.
    They refuse to acknowledge its ways
    or stay in its paths.
14 The murderer rises in the early dawn
    to kill the poor and needy;
    at night he is a thief.
15 The adulterer waits for the twilight,
    saying, ‘No one will see me then.’
    He hides his face so no one will know him.
16 Thieves break into houses at night
    and sleep in the daytime.
    They are not acquainted with the light.
17 The black night is their morning.
    They ally themselves with the terrors of the darkness.

18 “But they disappear like foam down a river.
    Everything they own is cursed,
    and they are afraid to enter their own vineyards.
19 The grave[a] consumes sinners
    just as drought and heat consume snow.
20 Their own mothers will forget them.
    Maggots will find them sweet to eat.
No one will remember them.
    Wicked people are broken like a tree in the storm.
21 They cheat the woman who has no son to help her.
    They refuse to help the needy widow.

22 “God, in his power, drags away the rich.
    They may rise high, but they have no assurance of life.
23 They may be allowed to live in security,
    but God is always watching them.
24 And though they are great now,
    in a moment they will be gone like all others,
    cut off like heads of grain.
25 Can anyone claim otherwise?
    Who can prove me wrong?”

Now, I know I was going to praise the military and police officers in the part, however, I elect to spend a portion of my part 3 on this. Hopefully it will also close some of the holes I am still leaving in my points.